Thursday, April 10, 2014

Femme Fetal

To see the awesome original cartoon version of this, go here.

“Femme Fetal” BY CHRISTAMAR VARICELLA

CAST: VOICE OVER, PREGNANT LADY, OLD WOMAN, OLD MAN, CHARLEY

A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS SHOPPING ALONE IN A GROCERY STORE.

V.O.

Mrs. Bartholomew Globinslobber was making a routine trip to the store.

PREGNANT LADY

Let’s see.  Raisin Flakes, Bran Bites, Sugar-covered fiber nuggets...

V.O.

When suddenly she was approached by a deranged hooligan.

ENTER OLD WOMAN.


Monday, April 7, 2014

When I Die

by Al Butterman

When I die, I don’t want to be buried.  For one thing I’m claustrophobic, and for another thing I don’t like the idea of being preserved with chemicals.  If I’m going to be preserved, I want to make sure people can see me.  I’d have to be displayed behind glass or something.  I've heard of a glass-bottom boat, but is there such a thing as a glass-topped grave?  If so, sign me up. 

Better yet, just have me stuffed and mounted and pushed into a corner of the living room.  Make sure the taxidermist puts a mean expression on my face.  I want my teeth bared, my eyebrows furrowed, and my claws extended.  (Have each of my fingernails sharpened to a fine point.) This way, I might still be able to help discipline the children even after I’m gone.  “Do you want me to  send you to your father?  I didn’t think so.” 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Stuck: A Tale of Woe by Al Butterman

by Al Butterman

I have this song stuck in my head.  “Istanbul, not Constantinople’ by They Might Be Giants.  It’s a good song but I don’t want it rattling around in my skull all day.  ‘Istanbul, not Constantinople, now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople.”  That’s pretty much all I remember which makes it even more annoying.  There have got to be more lyrics than that.  This has been going on for several months.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Alternate History

You know what I noticed about the Salem Witch Trials?  A little common sense could have prevented those things from going too far, I think.  Like when the accused were on the stand making confused hand gestures and saying things like,  “What?  Me?  A witch? No way,” and then the accusers started screaming and moving in whatever direction the accused person was gesturing and acting like their bodies were being controlled like a puppet on a string, how come the judge didn’t just make the accusers turn around or something, so they couldn’t see the accused?  They wouldn’t have known when to scream or in what direction to contort!  It would have totally thrown them off!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Best Thing About Sports: Manship!

by Al Butterman

There was only one clear winner of last night's big game between the Whozits and the Other Guys, but there was also another clear winner: Sportsmanship.  

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Highway Sanitation Debate (A Sketch)

by Christamar Varicella

CAST: MODERATOR, LARRY, ENOS

INT. TOWN HALL.  MODERATOR SITS BETWEEN TWO CANDIDATES STANDING AT LECTERNS.  THE MODERATOR AND ONE OF THE CANDIDATES ARE DRESSED PROFESSIONALLY.  THE OTHER CANDIDATE IS SCRUFFY, HAS A LONG BEARD, AND IS DRESSED LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

MODERATOR

Welcome to tonight’s pre-election debate.  First to make his opening remarks is Larry Delefonte.  Larry is 28, a graduate of Cornell University.  Mr. Delefonte, you may proceed.


LARRY

Fellow citizens, tonight I ask you to cast your vote for me this election day, and I promise to be the best guy who picks dead animals off the road that this county has ever seen.  Our community shouldn’t have to suffer the burden of dead animal stink.  If I’m elected, it won’t have to.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Who I Am

by Sally Putterman

Some people would be very shocked if they heard me fart.  Tooting is not who I am.  It is not a part of my body’s vernacular.  I’m not the type of person to let one rip in the middle of a party or a family gathering or even among my most intimate relations. 

I save them up.  I store them in the deepest recesses of my bootal cavity until an appropriate time and place presents itself, preferably someplace devoid of populace, someplace isolated.  Usually the toilet.  Then, oh but then, I release my gas with such power and passion that its glory knows no bounds.

Monday, February 17, 2014

New Zombie Blog

Now that the big Zombie craze is pretty much over, I've decided to publish a zombie novel and give it away for free.  Technically, it's more of a parody novel since The Zombie Bocephus isn't your ordinary zombie.  He doesn't dine on brains and unlike "Hollywood zombies" he has a sparkling personality.   Not only is Bo the world's first "real life" zombie, he's also the world's first member of the living dead from the redneck persuasion. (Technically he's white trash, but let's not get into that now.)  Bo aims to solve his own murder, locate a missing girl, act as a go-between two rival mad scientists, and fend off a pack of mutant squirrels.  And that's just in the first 75 pages!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Redneck GPS Navigator

A Sketch by Christamar Varicella

CAST: KENNETH, BARB, BILLY BOB

KENNETH AND BARB GET INTO A CAR DRESSED FOR A FORMAL OCCASION.

BARB
Do you have directions?

KENNETH

(PULLS OUT CELL PHONE)I’ll use GPS.  I just downloaded a new voice app.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Woody Allen Peed on Me


by
Al Butterman 

So I happened to be in the park when Woody Allen and Mia Farrow made their joint statement, and I must say I was surprised by the defiant tone Woody struck.  Using all those loaded words like “petting” and “intercourse.” I mean, how about some sensitivity?  Later I was equally surprised when he sauntered into the grandstands where I was sitting. 

I said to myself, “Wow.  This is my chance to talk to Woody Allen.”  So I yelled out, “Hey Woody!  Why’d you molest your daughter?”  Because, you know, just making conversation.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

An Ode to My Underwear

A Poem I Wrote in College
or
An Ode to Claire

by Purvis McGrew


Underwear is fun to wear.
I only own a single pair.
Tis she alone for whom I care.
Her name is Claire.