Saturday, December 13, 2014

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Christamar Varicella's Resume

Relevant Experience, Education, and Momentous Life Changes:

October 2014 – Present
Diverted attention from life of quiet desperation by using the animation software wife gifted for 40th birthday.  Began posting short, funny, poorly animated cartoons on a semi-weekly basis.

September 2014
Conceived third child

July – August 2014
Penned humor novella Dinosaur Ghost in 15 days.  Self-published as an eBook in September. (view trailer)  Grew first beard.

2012 – 2014
Creator/Editor of The Daily Brass.  Online blog type thing devoted to long form comedy, including open letters to celebrity authors, fake book reviews, and parodies.

2011
Conceived second child.

2009 – Present
Middle School Teacher.  Love working with kids, but needless paper work, politics, and bureaucracy lead to that quiet desperation thing mentioned earlier.

June 2012
Completed thriller novel The ReverendAfter three years of revising and working with an agent, the novel is rejected by five different publishers for five different reasons.  Dropped by agent and encouraged to self-publish.  Realized I don’t even like thriller novels.

April 2012
Self-published Too Weird, a collection of funny short stories previously published in literary journals.

Summer 2012
Self-published several children’s books, including The Blue Whale in the Bathtub, illustrated by my sister.  check out her artwork

2007 – 2012
Self-published short stories in small literary journals.

2007 – 2009
Got a job as an assistant teacher at a middle school after restaurant job ends due to recession.

1999 – 2007
Piddled around restaurant industry in while striving to become great American novelist.  Moved from Tuscaloosa, AL to New Orleans to Atlanta area. 

2005
Conceived first child.

2002 – 2004
Earned MFA in Creative Writing from Spalding University’s low residency program.

2002
Got married.

1996 – 1999
Struggle by with various jobs including delivery driver and midnight convenience store clerk.

1996 – 2002
Continued to spread gospel.  Eventually discovered religion I founded existed for thousands of years prior to my founding it and that I am in no way affiliated with it.

1996
Underwent profound religious experience while under the influence of powerful psychedelic.  Went on to found new religion. 

1992 – 1996
Earned BA in Political Science and History from University of Alabama.  2.3 gpa.

1992
Graduated High School.  2.3 gpa.

1974 – 1992
Grew up to a certain extent.

1973

Developed into a viable fetus.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Hernia Man: Episode 1

More Videos on Christamar's Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdnyaBmWMLc&index=4&list=PLNcKoeN1oaVrjDUHGFtlRYwTQYBkjQWgT

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Book Trailer for Dinosaur Ghost

Thanks for Watching!  You can find more of my cartoons here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67QeImYoYNs&list=UUjYNBwM1hjB8N30hoJWCVHw&index=2

Saturday, October 25, 2014

New Cartoon: The Debate


In this heated election season, finally there is a candidate we can all agree on.

Thanks for watching!  You can find more of my cartoons here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V23wzjoJgI&list=PLNcKoeN1oaVrjDUHGFtlRYwTQYBkjQWgT

Sunday, August 31, 2014

If I was a Comedian Onstage Doing Stand-up, This is What I’d do Today.

To read a previous bit in this series, click here.

ME

I’m a heathen.  Are there any other heathens here tonight?  Wow, a lot of heathens.  I was raised Presbyterian.  My moms says I should go to church for the community aspect.  So people will be there for me if someone close to me dies or something, but I say if people want to help, they’ll do it whether I go to church or not, and if they don’t I don’t want to eat their fucking casserole anyway.

What?  What’d I say?  Jeez, I didn’t know religion was such a touchy subject.  I guess I didn’t get that memo.  I feel like you guys are against me now.  Who would have thought insulting a mob of people could go wrong somehow?

I feel like the guy in the old west that the posse was after.

“Zeke, the posse’s here.  They got us surrounded!”

Zeke: Don’t worry, Earl.  I’ll take care of this. 

Zeke walks outside.

Zeke: (Yelling) Hey!  You guys are all assholes!  What?  Hey, why is everybody shooting at me?


ME

It reminds me of this thing that happened the other day.  I was at my day job because, for some reason my stand-up career isn’t paying the bills, and my boss comes up and starts yelling at me.  I can’t remember what it was about.  Like, maybe I left a machine on, or I left someone in the machine, or I let the machine eat someone.  I can’t remember.  But anyway my boss was really mad at me, so I’m like, “Wait a second.  Are you hitting on me?”

This brought an immediate halt to the string of invectives he was screaming at me.  I didn’t want him to have time to think of a response, so I said, “Listen.  I’m flattered, really, but I’m not into quote unquote “people.”

Naturally, my boss was pretty stunned.  He had this quizzical look on his face, and it was pretty easy then to shift the topic of conversation because he was like, “Wait.  What?”

I knew I had him then.  I said, “You know how some women talk about giving up their flower?  Well, it turns out they are actually just talking about their gross vaginas. 

I, on the other hand, enjoy the company of actual flowers.  They make my penis smell all rosy.  Unless of course they’re violets, in which case they make it smell violet-y.  

At this point, my boss completely forgot why he was yelling at me.

(To audience)

You know, I don’t get you people.  You act like you’ve never heard a guy talking about having sex with flowers or something.  What’s the big deal?  Did I stumble into a convention of florists? 

What the fuck is wrong with fucking flowers?  Hey, that sounds like a pretty good chant.



ME

(Leading chant)  I say flower, you say fucker.  Flower!

CROWD

Fucker!

ME

Flower!

CROWD

Fucker!

ME

All the florists now: We don’t fucking need no fucking flower fuckers!

CROWD

We don’t fucking need no fucking flower fuckers!

ME
Thank you!  I love you all.  I’m off flowers.  I’m into crowds now.  (thrusting hips)  That’s for this side.  (another hip thrust)  That’s for all of you in the middle area.  (again)  That’s an extra one for you in the brown shirt.  (Pivot and thrust left)  That one’s for the rest of you.  Good night, everybody!

EXIT STAGE


Saturday, August 23, 2014

Too Weird is Now Free at Smashwords

My collection of funny/weird stories about wiener dogs, conjoined twins, hypochondriacs and blue whales in bathtubs is currently free across e-formats here.